1. USE "WHEN - THEN" technique
* "WHEN you finish washing the dishes THEN you can go outside."
* "WHEN you brush your teeth THEN I'll read a story to you."
* "WHEN you speak to me in a quiet voice THEN I will listen to you."
2. GET PHYSICALLY PRESENT RATHER THAN YELL
- Walk into his room, look at his TV show a moment, then tell him what he needs to do.
- Sit down in front of him, lock eyes with his rather than call orders from the next room.
- Walk up to him, touch his shoulder before you verbally request what you want from him.
3. GIVE HIM CHOICES AND RESPONSIBILITY
* "Do you want to brush your teeth first or get your pajamas on?"
* "You can go to your room for half an hour to cool off or you can take a time out here."
* "You can read the story to yourself or you can read it to me."
4. DON'T ASK WHY, POINT OUT THE PROBLEM
- Do not ask, "How could you be so mean to your sister?"
Say, "Bill, we need to see if your sister needs help."
- Do not ask, "Why are you so sloppy?"
Say, "Someone's jacket is on the floor."
- Do not ask, "Why do you act so angry?"
Say, "Allie, let's talk about the problem."
5. USE AGREEABLE ALTERNATIVES
* "You can't play out in the rain, BUT you can play dress up with my old clothes."
* "We can't visit your friends today, BUT we can go to the mall."
* "You can't have that jacket. It costs too much money, BUT we can buy you a cool baseball hat."
PARENTS NEED TO TAKE GOOD EMOTIONAL CARE OF THEMSELVES!!
- Develop a support network
- Count forward or backward to 10 or more
- Practice guided visualizations
- Deep breathing
- Listen to relaxing music
- Make yourself laugh
- Take a walk
TIPS AND STRATEGIES FOR THE ANGRY/AGGRESSIVE CHILD:
Dr. Glasser believes that besides food and shelter, individuals need love, power, fun and freedom. The angry child's basic needs may not be met. Help him with his needs.
Pets can provide a calming effect. Consider a small pet for home because petting, holding and caring for animals draws anger out of some children.
If you notice your child becoming upset, have him blow up some balloons to release that energy!
Encourage your angry child to use self talk. Statements can include, "I can handle this, it's no big deal, I'll survive, tomorrow will be a better day."
The toothpaste theory: Just as it is impossible to put back all the unwanted/unused toothpaste in the tiny hole at the end of the tube, it is impossible to put words back in your mouth once you've said them. That's why adults need to control their anger, so we don't say something we'll regret later.
When giving consequences, remember these three things:
1. Don't shout consequences when you are angry.
2. Only state consequences you can actually administer.
3. Keep your word and FOLLOW THROUGH.
Encourage your child to write in a journal at the end of each day. Tell them to write about all the good and not so good things that happened that day.
Be consistent. The angry child will always question and challenge you. Do what you say you'll do, deliver the consequences, every time, no matter what.
GREAT PARENTS AND TEACHERS PRACTICE AND DEMONSTRATE.....
...fundamental respect for all people. See through the anger and bad behavior of children into the need beneath the pain -- for belonging, fairness, justice, significance and honest recognition of their value, talents and potential.
...make clear, simple, realistic behavioral expectations and follow through by applying consistent natural and applied consequences.
...model self control, self respect and and absolutely refuse to gossip, play the victim, or regress into complaining or escaping responsibility for the attitudes and actions of our children.
...apologize, repair, and make amends for our lapses, mistakes and bad tempers AND practice all habits of integrity and truthfulness we expect our kids to practice.
...catch them whenever we see them doing something good!
The ABC's of Parenting by Leah Davies, M.Ed.
A. Accept and value yourself and your child.
B. Be consistent, honest, fair and firm as you relate to your child.
C. Concentrate on what you like about your child and comment on it.
D. Develop interests of your own.
E. Encourage your child to discuss ideas and goals, expressing the belief that he can do many things well.
F. Forgive your child's mistakes, which are a natural part of learning.
G. Gladly share your time, affection and support.
H. Help your child feel safe and secure.
I. Interest your child in work by complimenting his efforts.
J. Joyfully take pleasure in life.
K. Keep harsh criticisms to ourselves, avoid using "should."
L. Let your child experience the results of his behavior.
M. Model by example those qualities you want your child to have.
N. Negotiate privileges and responsibilities, avoid overindulgence.
O. Offer some choices, allowing your child to make decisions.
P. Problem-solve with your child, listening carefully to his thoughts and feelings.
Q. Quit blaming, shaming and threatening.
R. Respect your child's right to grow at his own rate without being pushed or compared to others.
S. Share household tasks among all family members so that your child makes a contribution and feels a sense of belonging.
T. Take time to read with your child, thus instilling a love of books and learning.
U. Use a photo album to record pleasant family memories.
V. Value honesty, kindness, dependability, truthfulness and caring.
W. Weather trials together as a family.
X. eXamine your attitude toward your child.
Y. Yield to professional advice concerning healthy living habits.
Z. Zestfully participate in a variety of family traditions and activities.
I hear, and I forget
I see, and I remember
I do, and I understand
- Chinese Proverb
I see, and I remember
I do, and I understand
- Chinese Proverb
ORGANIZATION STRATEGIES FOR KIDS:
- Designate a place in your home for studying. This means a clutter free surface, good lighting, and a comfortable place to sit. Keep distractions to a minimum. Switch off the television, turn music down, and keep siblings from playing nearby.
- Put a stocked supply box in the study area. Supplies could include pencils, pens, highlighters, notebook paper, a ruler, scissors, glue, tape, colored pencils, markers, and a calculator.
- Encourage your child to write quiz, test, and project due dates on a calendar at home as well as their assignment notebook. Every Monday, have your child write what will be due that week. Help to divide the work into small, manageable blocks, and set goals for each day. (Example: Study spelling words on Monday and review multiplication facts on Tuesday for Wednesday's quizzes.)
CONCENTRATION:
- Before your child begins studying, give him a healthy, energy-boosting snack that includes protein and carbohydrates. Try peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, fruit smoothies, or English muffin pizzas.
- Find out when your child is most focused (right after school, before or after dinner?). Vary studying times for a week and keep track of how long it takes him to finish his assignments. Then, choose a study time based on what works best for him.
- Get the difficult work out of the way first. This will give your child a sense of accomplishment and that will help him to get through the other assignments.
- Talk to your child's teacher. The partnership between you and your child's teacher will determine the success of your child.
- Preview the test before you answer anything. This gets you thinking about the material.
- Do a mind dump. Using what you saw in the preview, make notes of anything you think you might forget.
- Quickly, calculate how much time you should allow for each section according to the point value.
- Read the directions. (Can more than one answer be correct? Are you penalized for guessing?)
- Answer the easy questions first. This will give you the confidence and momentum to get through the rest of the test.
- Go back to the difficult questions. While looking over the test and doing the easy questions, your subconscious mind will have been working on the answers to the harder ones.
- Answer all of the questions (unless you are penalized for wrong answers).
- Ask your teacher to explain any items that are not clear.
- Circle key words in difficult questions. This will force you to focus on the central point.
- Express difficult questions in your own words. Rephrasing can make it clear to you, but be sure you don't change the meaning of the question.
- Use all of the time allotted for the test. If you have extra time, cover up your answers and actually rework the question.
You Are Entering A Bully Free Zone!
If your child is being bullied at school, this can be a very painful experience for your child and your family. We are doing all we can at school to put a stop to bullying. Here are some additional things you can do to support your child if he or she is being bullied:
• Never tell your child to ignore the bullying.
• Don’t blame your child for the bullying. Don’t assume your child did something wrong to provoke the bullying.
• Allow your child to talk about his bullying experiences. Write down what is shared.
• Empathize with your child. Tell him or her that bullying is wrong, that it is not his fault, and that you are glad he had the courage to tell you about it.
• If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don’t criticize him. If is often very difficult for children to know how best to respond.
• Do not encourage physical retaliation.
• Check your emotions. A parent’s protective instincts stir strong emotions. Although it is difficult, step back and consider the next steps carefully.
• Contact your child’s teacher and share your concerns about the bullying that your child has experienced.
• Work closely with school personnel to help solve the problem.
• Encourage your child to develop interests and hobbies that will help build resiliency in difficult situations like bullying.
• Encourage your child to make contact with friendly students in his class, or help your child meet new friends outside of school.
• Teach your child safety strategies, such as how to seek help from an adult.
• Make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment.
• Never tell your child to ignore the bullying.
• Don’t blame your child for the bullying. Don’t assume your child did something wrong to provoke the bullying.
• Allow your child to talk about his bullying experiences. Write down what is shared.
• Empathize with your child. Tell him or her that bullying is wrong, that it is not his fault, and that you are glad he had the courage to tell you about it.
• If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don’t criticize him. If is often very difficult for children to know how best to respond.
• Do not encourage physical retaliation.
• Check your emotions. A parent’s protective instincts stir strong emotions. Although it is difficult, step back and consider the next steps carefully.
• Contact your child’s teacher and share your concerns about the bullying that your child has experienced.
• Work closely with school personnel to help solve the problem.
• Encourage your child to develop interests and hobbies that will help build resiliency in difficult situations like bullying.
• Encourage your child to make contact with friendly students in his class, or help your child meet new friends outside of school.
• Teach your child safety strategies, such as how to seek help from an adult.
• Make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment.
If your child bullies others at school, it will need to be stopped. We are doing a number of things at school to prevent bullying and to stop bullying once it occurs. Here are some things you can do at home to help. Thank you for your help in making our school a safe and positive place to learn.
• Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and that it is not okay.
• Make rules within your family for your child’s behavior. Praise your child for following the rules and use nonphysical and logical consequences when rules are broken. A logical consequence for bullying could be losing rights to use the phone to call friends, using email to talk with friends, or other activities your child enjoys.
• Spend lots of time with your child and keep close track of her activities. Find out who your child’s friends are and how and where they spend their free time.
• Build on your child’s talents by encouraging her to get involved in positive activities (such as clubs, music lessons, or nonviolent sports).
• Share your concerns with your child’s teacher. Work together to send a clear message to your child that her bullying must stop.
Many children are observers or “bystanders” in cases of bullying at school. It is important that even students who are bystanders in a bullying situation take action to get help, so the bullying stops. We are taking steps to teach this important information to students at school. Here are some things you can do to support these efforts at home.
If your child talks to you about the bullying that he witnesses at school, you are encouraged to do the following:
• Teach your child how to get help without getting hurt.
• Encourage your child to verbally intervene if it is safe to do so, by saying such things as: “Cool it!” This isn’t going to solve anything.”
• Tell your child not to cheer on or even quietly watch bullying. This only encourages a child who bullies – who wants to be the center of attention.
• Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult about the bullying. Talking to an adult is not “tattling” – it is an acct of courage and safety. Suggest going to an adult with a friend, if that will make it easier.
• Help your child support others who tend to be bullied.
• Teach your child to include these children in activities.
• Praise and reward “quiet acts of courage” – where your child tried to do the right thing to stop bullying, even if he was not successful.
• Work with your child to practice specific ways he or she can help stop bullying. For example, role-play with him what he could say or do to help someone who is being bullied.
What is PBIS?
Positive Behavior Interventions and Supports is a proactive systems approach for creating and maintaining safe, respectful and effective learning environment. Along with our STAND program, Beye School embraces the principles of PBIS to ensure all students have the social/emotional skills needed to be successful through our five school-wide expectations:
Be respectful
Be responsible
Be safe
Be a peacemaker
Be a problem solver
Every adult will teach these expectations through "cool tools" which are lesson plans aimed at these desired behavior traits. Tracking specific behavioral data will help guide our future efforts and allow "re-teach" opportunities for students to grow and learn. We are now in our second year of PBIS at Beye. This year, we were recognized for being an "emerging" school. We are in the process of being recognized as "implementing" for the following school year. Have you seen our PBIS recognition decal on the front office window? Come and check it out!
Why PBIS?
- PBIS is a process.. not an add on
- It is individualized to the needs of our school
- It is free through the Illinois State Board of Education
- The emphasis is on continuous, data driven improvement
- The philosophy supports the notion that students should be taught how to behave and make positive choices
- It is adaptable and can be used across all grade levels
- It will systematize our behavioral and office referral process
• Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and that it is not okay.
• Make rules within your family for your child’s behavior. Praise your child for following the rules and use nonphysical and logical consequences when rules are broken. A logical consequence for bullying could be losing rights to use the phone to call friends, using email to talk with friends, or other activities your child enjoys.
• Spend lots of time with your child and keep close track of her activities. Find out who your child’s friends are and how and where they spend their free time.
• Build on your child’s talents by encouraging her to get involved in positive activities (such as clubs, music lessons, or nonviolent sports).
• Share your concerns with your child’s teacher. Work together to send a clear message to your child that her bullying must stop.
Many children are observers or “bystanders” in cases of bullying at school. It is important that even students who are bystanders in a bullying situation take action to get help, so the bullying stops. We are taking steps to teach this important information to students at school. Here are some things you can do to support these efforts at home.
If your child talks to you about the bullying that he witnesses at school, you are encouraged to do the following:
• Teach your child how to get help without getting hurt.
• Encourage your child to verbally intervene if it is safe to do so, by saying such things as: “Cool it!” This isn’t going to solve anything.”
• Tell your child not to cheer on or even quietly watch bullying. This only encourages a child who bullies – who wants to be the center of attention.
• Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult about the bullying. Talking to an adult is not “tattling” – it is an acct of courage and safety. Suggest going to an adult with a friend, if that will make it easier.
• Help your child support others who tend to be bullied.
• Teach your child to include these children in activities.
• Praise and reward “quiet acts of courage” – where your child tried to do the right thing to stop bullying, even if he was not successful.
• Work with your child to practice specific ways he or she can help stop bullying. For example, role-play with him what he could say or do to help someone who is being bullied.
PBIS - We do it here at Beye!
What is PBIS?
Positive Behavior Interventions and Supports is a proactive systems approach for creating and maintaining safe, respectful and effective learning environment. Along with our STAND program, Beye School embraces the principles of PBIS to ensure all students have the social/emotional skills needed to be successful through our five school-wide expectations:
Be respectful
Be responsible
Be safe
Be a peacemaker
Be a problem solver
Every adult will teach these expectations through "cool tools" which are lesson plans aimed at these desired behavior traits. Tracking specific behavioral data will help guide our future efforts and allow "re-teach" opportunities for students to grow and learn. We are now in our second year of PBIS at Beye. This year, we were recognized for being an "emerging" school. We are in the process of being recognized as "implementing" for the following school year. Have you seen our PBIS recognition decal on the front office window? Come and check it out!
Why PBIS?
- PBIS is a process.. not an add on
- It is individualized to the needs of our school
- It is free through the Illinois State Board of Education
- The emphasis is on continuous, data driven improvement
- The philosophy supports the notion that students should be taught how to behave and make positive choices
- It is adaptable and can be used across all grade levels
- It will systematize our behavioral and office referral process
Many thanks to those who provided information to make this information useful to others:
-Olweus Anti-Bullying Program
- Colleen Zawadzki, "Discipline with Dignity" conference, 2007
- Power Struggles, Allen Mendler, Ph.D.
- Ron Marks "Positive Discipline" seminar, 2007
- Author Todd Whitaker
- Home and School Connection, Resources for Educators
- My colleagues, my own children, my students and their parents (1991-present)
